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Is This You? Or a Friend of Yours?

I work with divorced, and soon-to-be divorced, professional men, 30 to 80 years old, who are fed up with feeling the distress, vulnerability, anger, resentment, disappointment, sadness, helplessness, guilt, and hopelessness that accompany divorce – both when going through the brutal divorce process and then when recovering from the trauma divorce caused.

Some, but not all, have tried the traditional approaches to recovery like therapy, divorce support groups, pastoral counseling, “let time heal the wounds,” and my personal favorite, “date ’til you drop,” but have found them lacking in providing the in-depth, long-term healing they sought.

A key trait of my clients is that they are distraught and fatigued by the soul-crushing, 24-7 game of trying to live without awakening the “memory monster” that hurls them back in time and resurrects upsetting memories that override whatever they are doing and causes them to dissolve into an emotional mess on the spot.  They simply want the pain to stop so they can begin to enjoy life again without having to worry about surprise attacks from the past.

They want to be able to drive by a restaurant or store that was a favorite when married without becoming emotionally distraught. They want to be able to listen to their favorite music without having to fight back tears when it brings up memories of their past life with their ex. They want to make routine decisions without first thinking, “what would my ex do.” They would like to make it through the day without becoming emotionally overwhelmed when some memory from the past takes residence in their brain. They would like to be able to turn off the non-stop, guilt-spewing tape machine in their head that tells them “if only I had  done this,” or “if only I had  done that” or “if only I had not done something else,” etc.

They want to be able to go to their favorite restaurants, stores, shopping mall, and gym – without being haunted by the possibility that they may run into their ex or their ex’s friends.

If they have children with their ex, they want to be able to attend their children’s school activities, parent-teacher conferences, birthday celebrations, and holiday celebrations, without feeling hesitant or having second thoughts because they fear their ex’s presence might escalate into a scene.

They often have seriously considered not attending their children’s weddings because their ex will be there.

In a nutshell, they have been living their life from a basis of fear causing them to miss out on many of life’s wonderful moments and memories in the process.

Working through my program changes all that.

We address the issues and emotions that accompany making the major life transition from being in a couple to being single again.  We demystify and defuse the disaster fantasies that run rampant in their heads, especially those having their ex at the center of attention. They become comfortable with, even indifferent to, running into their ex unexpectedly. They feel totally free to attend their kid’s school activities, shop where they please, work out where they want, eat where they choose, shop where they desire – all without even giving a second thought to whom they might run into.

A recent client had made the gut-wrenching decision not to attend his son’s wedding. He and his son were close, but my client had resigned himself to missing the ceremony because being in close proximity with his ex seemed overwhelming, even impossible. After he worked through the “Be Free” coaching program in only twelve weeks, he was able to attend the rehearsal dinner and the church ceremony sitting next to his ex at both. Also, he was housed in a quad-like suite of rooms consisting of four bedrooms with a common living room — with his ex occupying one of the bedrooms. There, for the first time in years,  he  was able to talk to his ex calmly and without all the anger, resentment, and disappointment he felt when she left him.

In a nutshell, my clients reclaim their life, so they can move into the mainstream of the next chapter of their life unencumbered by useless baggage from the past.