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How does resistance to change sabotage our recovery and how can we overcome it?

Divorce Transition Success: 7 Tips for How to Make a Smooth Transition from Divorce

Making a transition from divorce is hard. The good news is YOU CAN DO IT. In fact, with some focused effort and a little help from your friends, you can make your divorce transition faster than you ever thought possible.

When I first got divorced, I was at a loss for how to handle it. I thought no one else had felt the shock and shame I felt. Nor did I realize I possessed the necessary personal resources to get through the transition process. I thought I had to make my “comeback” alone if I were to feel good about myself.

I knew I was afraid of venturing into an unknown future but I had no idea how to deal with it – especially the emotion-based reactions I was having. Nor did I realize the importance of dealing with all the hopes and dreams I had lost. In a nutshell, I was a basket case roaming free on an unsuspecting society.

Had I only known that what I was going through was similar to what millions of others had gone through – and the key to a successful transition from divorce had certain steps and phases that had to be walked through.

The following seven tips highlight what I did not know then, and describe what needs to be done in order to thrive in sculpting your next chapter of “life after divorce.”

Tip #1: You’re not unusual – You are not alone

Statistically, there are a lot of us. 40% of first marriages and 60% of all remarriages eventually end in divorce. Emotionally, everyone is pretty much in the same boat. Ambivalence rules the day. Roller coasters are the preferred method of emotional transport. Realistically, anyone you know whose has gone through, or is going through a divorce, can identify with the reactions you are having. You are not alone.

Tip #2: You can make a successful transition from divorce – because you have done it before

You say you haven’t been divorced before? Doesn’t matter. All transitions force us to go through the same process of change – whether it is losing a job, getting married, starting a family, death of a loved one. Whatever. What we’ve learned from these life experiences we can apply to making it through our current transition through divorce.

Tip #3: You already possess all the personal resources necessary to make a successful transition from divorce

Confidence, a sense of direction, and hope seem to be the first to go when making a divorce transition. But, not to worry. You have the ability to deal with it. More specifically, we gain confidence from successfully navigating past major life transitions where we:

  • Find stability of direction from our unique set of personal principles,
  • Obtain courage to press on from our personal sources of hope, and
  • Obtain reassurance that we are on the right track through a sense of gratitude for the good present in the current situation.

Tip #4: You need to recruit at least one “change buddy” for social support and feedback

We need to find people (or at least one person) we can lean on for emotional support and count on for objective feedback while we make our transition from divorce. These folks must have two important characteristics. They must have no personal agenda and they must be able to be honest with you. Only then can you count on their feedback as being objective.

Tip #5: You can and must dissolve the massive resistance to change that comes with divorce

Fear, loss, and uncertainty about what to do next sabotage our efforts to make a victorious transition from divorce. However:

  • We can handle our fear of the unknown future if we have a plan,
  • We can let go of how things used to be — even the good stuff — when we realize there is even more good stuff in the next chapter of our life after divorce, and
  • We can resolve our rational reservations for making a transition with old-fashioned problem solving.

Tip #6: You can and must use what you have learned from going through the divorce process to make your transition successful

Only by using your experience to clarify your future requirements, needs, and wants for our life after divorce, can you capitalize on the great opportunity divorce offers. These learnings apply to your entire life including finances, health, relationships, and self expression.

Tip #7: You must lay the groundwork for the many changes that will occur in order to make a successful divorce transition

Divorce brings change in our relationships, our health, our financial situation, and our opportunities for creativity and self expression. A successful divorce transition demands that we attend to and plan for this wide range of changes in order to fully and joyously embrace the next chapter in our life after divorce.

Divorce Recovery and Loss: Don’t Grieve It If You Didn’t Lose It

When it comes to divorce, we endure significant losses… and yet all too often we continue to add imagined losses to the pile. The more we do this, the more we distort our vision of reality, making it virtually impossible to see and solve the divorce recovery challenges ahead of us. Let me offer some quick insights on this very common reaction.

Intangible Losses Are Harder to Grieve than Tangible Losses
Loss comes in two types – tangible and intangible. Tangible losses hurt. Losing the house, car, financial security, or the comfort of the daily family routine is not fun. But at least the nature of the problem is clear and how to solve the problems is known.

Intangible losses in the form of lost hopes, dreams, and cherished beliefs cause the most havoc. They are not as clear cut, or obvious and, therefore, are most vulnerable to exaggeration and distortion. For example, some of the most common laments I hear from recently divorced folks are,

“I will NEVER find true love again. I will ALWAYS be alone.”
“My best years are BEHIND me.”

These people assume their original dream of living a fulfilling life with someone they love and want to grow old with is now utterly IMPOSSIBLE. The loss feels overwhelming. And a typical reaction — for anyone — is to jump to the conclusion that we will NEVER realize our hopes and dreams without our ex as our partner.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Are You Grieving Images or Dreams You Haven’t Really Lost?
If you take anything away from this article, let it be this: We don’t have to grieve anything we didn’t lose! By focusing on actual losses, we avoid wasting time and energy on the imaginary ones.

When dealing with the loss that comes with divorce, figure out what you are truly going to lose, and then grieve ONLY what you actually lost.

Ask yourself, “Am I really going to lose all of it? Or, just a part of it? Could it be that I am not going to lose it at all?” This is one of those times when a friend can provide a “reality check” to help determine if your assessment of the losses is accurate.

Do this, and your transition from divorce hell to a satisfying, successful life after divorce will be easier, faster and less traumatic. You will feel some much needed control over your recovery from divorce.

And you will discover that the romantic vacation on a remote island… is still quite within your reach. It just might happen with someone else.