When it comes to divorce, we endure significant losses… and yet all too often we continue to add imagined losses to the pile. The more we do this, the more we distort our vision of reality, making it virtually impossible to see and solve the divorce recovery challenges ahead of us. Let me offer some quick insights on this very common reaction.
Intangible Losses Are Harder to Grieve than Tangible Losses
Loss comes in two types – tangible and intangible. Tangible losses hurt. Losing the house, car, financial security, or the comfort of the daily family routine is not fun. But at least the nature of the problem is clear and how to solve the problems is known.
Intangible losses in the form of lost hopes, dreams, and cherished beliefs cause the most havoc. They are not as clear cut, or obvious and, therefore, are most vulnerable to exaggeration and distortion. For example, some of the most common laments I hear from recently divorced folks are,
“I will NEVER find true love again. I will ALWAYS be alone.”
“My best years are BEHIND me.”
These people assume their original dream of living a fulfilling life with someone they love and want to grow old with is now utterly IMPOSSIBLE. The loss feels overwhelming. And a typical reaction — for anyone — is to jump to the conclusion that we will NEVER realize our hopes and dreams without our ex as our partner.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Are You Grieving Images or Dreams You Haven’t Really Lost?
If you take anything away from this article, let it be this: We don’t have to grieve anything we didn’t lose! By focusing on actual losses, we avoid wasting time and energy on the imaginary ones.
When dealing with the loss that comes with divorce, figure out what you are truly going to lose, and then grieve ONLY what you actually lost.
Ask yourself, “Am I really going to lose all of it? Or, just a part of it? Could it be that I am not going to lose it at all?” This is one of those times when a friend can provide a “reality check” to help determine if your assessment of the losses is accurate.
Do this, and your transition from divorce hell to a satisfying, successful life after divorce will be easier, faster and less traumatic. You will feel some much needed control over your recovery from divorce.
And you will discover that the romantic vacation on a remote island… is still quite within your reach. It just might happen with someone else.