loss

Divorce Recovery and Your Hidden Strengths: Part 2

by Jerald on November 7, 2010

Find your hidden strengths for divorce recovery, part 2Last week, we talked about Confidence and Direction: two of the four hidden strengths you already possess, and how they can help you navigate a successful divorce recovery.

This week, we’ll look at the other two:

3. COURAGE: find it within your personal source of hope.
It takes courage to go through divorce recovery, and that comes from hope. The more we believe in the potential for good, the more we free ourselves from paralyzing fear and loss. Staying focused on the hope for good allows us to thrive instead of merely survive. Nurturing an internal belief that some good exists in all situations allows us to use our recovery from divorce for positive growth.

But where does that hope come from? Your particular source of hope can be a solid belief in yourself, comfort from philosophical writings, faith in spiritual/religious beliefs, awe at the natural universe, or an unwavering trust in others who have already been through a divorce. The source itself doesn’t matter as long as it is meaningful and powerful to you. What does matter to your divorce recovery is that you’re actively seeking hope’s courageous promise.

4. REASSURANCE – find it in your gratitude.
You’ve already seen this in other situations, for example, the gratitude expressed by people who are mourning the loss of a loved one: they find comfort and reassurance by saying, “Thank goodness, he’s in a better place now” or, “I’m so glad his suffering is over.” Being reassured we are on the right track is essential, especially during the difficult times of divorce recovery.

Gratitude lies at the heart of accepting change and can give you that reassurance. Finding gratitude for the good in your divorce recovery affirms the fact that you are making progress. Gratitude opens us to be more receptive to accepting change and using it for good.

So… what now?

Know that you can relax in the knowledge that confidence, direction, courage, and reassurance are constant companions in your efforts to make a successful recovery from divorce. And if you need help digging a little deeper to discover them within yourself, be sure to call me a for a free one-hour consultation.

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Divorce and the holidays: what a head trip!

by Jerald on October 27, 2010

Smooth Divorce Recovery, the Halloween edition.

Q: What do they teach in witching school?
A:  Ask my ex, she graduated with honors.

Q: Why does a witch ride a broom?
A: Because her ex got the car in the divorce.

Q: Why did the devil marry the mummy?
A: I don’t care, he can see whoever he wants.

It’s almost Halloween, and you know what that means for everyone divorced or currently divorcing: The official opening of The Holiday Haunting Season.

This is the time of the year that our dashed (or perceived dashed) hopes and dreams materialize like ghosts of Christmas Past to terrify and intimidate us. The old pictures of how things were, and especially of how things were “supposed to be,” emerge out of the mist and suck the life out of our hope and conviction that life is good and there is still something vibrant and alive to live for.

In fact, just today a TV ad reminded me, through song, that this is “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” Thank you for sharing, but no thank you.

Ending a relationship is tough, but then add some seasonal messages about family, love, and picture-perfect moments. Ever-present holiday music that brings back memories. Questions like, “Who gets the kids on Christmas eve?”, “What’s wrong with having Thanksgiving dinner alone at my favorite bar?” and “What if I have to spend New Year’s Eve alone?”.

Now you’ll have a picture of the train wreck that can happen when divorce meets Auld Lang Syne.

The onslaught of holiday messaging will soon be upon us, and depending on where you are in your divorce recovery, I want you to remember a few basic truths:

If you’ve been divorced a while, but the holidays bring back feelings of regret and loss over that past marriage…
I want you to know that it’s normal to feel surprisingly sad, confused, and even seemingly longing for how things used to be. Often, we get confused when positive thoughts or memories about our past marriage creep back into our minds, even if it was in our best interest to end it. This is normal. It’s okay to feel ambivalent.

It’s also okay to feel sad about the end of the relationship. Some of your heart-felt hopes and dreams died there. But if feelings of regret and loss aren’t limited to the holidays, it’s possible that you’re NOT quite completely over your divorce yet. Time to take inventory.  Take a look at the current level of stress you are experiencing over the divorce.  Then, be open to completing any unfinished business left undone.

If you’re going through a divorce now…
I want you to know that you’re not alone. Many people have been exactly where you are. Almost forty percent of the adult population has been through a divorce. They will understand, if you just reach out to them. And while your greatest pain may be the loss of things to come, it doesn’t mean your future is completely void of holiday memories to be cherished. In fact, most of the holiday hopes and dreams you “used to have” still exist. Those dreams were yours, not your ex’s. They are waiting there to be scooped up and have life breathed into them again.

The holidays conjure up our idealized dreams about how we hoped life would be. Just because those fantasies are not our current reality does not mean that your reality cannot be beautiful, hopeful, satisfying, and rewarding in its own right. Our task is to acknowledge the dreams and enjoy the bountiful harvest of good that our reality has to offer. Dreams are good. Life is good, also.

Remember, holidays are a head trip. Will we focus on the good that we’ve lost, or will we focus on the good we now have to look forward to? This is our challenge.

Over the next few months, we’ll talk about the aspects of divorce recovery, as well as specific tactics for getting through the holiday season. If you have specific questions, just email me and I’ll address them in this blog. By the way, the real answers to the riddles are:

-Spelling.

-Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.

- and okay, we totally made this last one up.

The holidays happen every year. We’ll get through them again…. I promise you.

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Divorce Recovery and Loss: Don’t Grieve It If You Didn’t Lose It

October 20, 2010

When it comes to divorce, we endure significant losses… and yet all too often we continue to add imagined losses to the pile. The more we do this, the more we distort our vision of reality, making it virtually impossible to see and solve the divorce recovery challenges ahead of us. Let me offer some [...]

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