divorce recovery

On September 25, I led a breakout session at the Divorcing Divas’ “Happily Ever After” Conference in Minneapolis, MN. Going in, I didn’t know what to expect. At first thought, the title “Divorcing Divas” conjured up several unpleasant, self-centered fantasies. However… what I found was just the opposite.

The 125 women in attendance had two things in common: (1) they had experienced divorce and (2) they sought ways to deal with the divorce, minimize its damage, enhance their lives, and move on to more happiness and success. Their willingness to talk openly about their experience to strangers was startling. The seriousness of their quest was impressive. And their positive outlook was infectious.

The day seemed long on feel-good support and motivation. What became increasingly clear was the need to provide immediately applicable skills to help people not only recover – but also move forward – from a divorce experience.

A Theme of Forgiveness
One central theme of the day was “forgiveness.” A keynote and two breakout sessions dealt with the need to let go of the past. There was some disagreement about whether forgiveness is a decision to be made, or alternatively, a by-product of the healing process.

My work with Smooth Divorce Recovery is firmly grounded in the fact that forgiveness is a by-product of the healing process, not a one-time decision. As such, the question becomes how can I provide my divorced clients with the skills to swiftly and smoothly heal from the trauma that is divorce? I describe it as the need to “get over your ex, and let go of the past you no longer need, in order to enjoy the present and plan for the future.”

Breakout Session: The Reverse Apology Letter
My session contributed to the forgiveness theme by presenting one specific skill to help folks “let go” of the hurt and harm inflicted by the divorce: The Reverse Apology Letter.

In this exercise, the divorced person writes a letter from the perspective of the ex—in which the ex apologizes for all the hurts they committed. This not only eliminates any lingering denial that harm was committed, but re-reading the letter on a daily basis helps instill belief that the ex is finally taking blame for their part—much the same fashion as we use positive affirmations to bring about wanted change in our lives.

Our breakout session was vividly enhanced when one participant recalled hurtful events in her first marriage that were still “alive and well” in her – sixty years after they were committed. The pain of divorce does not simply go away with time. In fact, time heals nothing, contrary to the overworked but inaccurate saying.

Setting the Stage for the Next Scene in Life
Ironically, the large ballroom that was used for the keynote speeches and lunch had to be emptied by precisely 4:00  so the hotel could set up for – a wedding reception. As I left the conference, the bride and groom were exchanging vows in the central atrium, with the sounds of kids playing in the nearby swimming pool in the background.

My first reaction was cynical. “Maybe I should leave my Divorce Recovery Coach business card on the table full of gifts for when the couple needs my help,” I thought. On average, 42% of all first marriages end in divorce.

My next reaction was more positive. The wedding ceremony reaffirmed the fact we all desire intimate relationships. The conference on divorce told me we want intimate relationships that actually work.

I realized that both the wedding and the divorce conference were making positive, but separate, statements on the human condition. We are social animals. We long for meaningful relationships with others. The wedding scene reaffirmed our need for intimate relationships that give meaning to life. The divorce conference underscored our desire that these intimate relations last, even in the face of difficulty.

And if they don’t, the need for a truly intimate relationship with someone you love is worth the pain of letting go… so you can repeat the wedding scene and make the next one permanent.

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